Category Archives: dialog in writing

Here’s another dialog problem with three possible solutions. Which is best?

Posted on November 12, 2024 | Leave a comment

Check out these three examples of dialog to find the best one.

Example f

“What are you doing?” Mom asked.

“Playing marbles,” Joan said.

“And whose marbles are those?”

“Mine.”

“Are you sure?  They look like Michael’s—all cat’s eyes.”

“Well, they’re not.  They’re mine.”

 

Example g

“What are you doing?” Mom asked.

“Playing marbles,” Joan said.

“And whose marbles are those?” Mom asked.

“Mine,” Joan said.

“Are you sure?  They look like Michael’s—all cat’s eyes,” Mom said.

“Well, they’re not.  They’re mine,” Joan said.

 

Example h:

“What are you doing?” Mom asked.

“Playing marbles,” Joan mumbled.

“And whose marbles are those?” Mom demanded.

“Mine,” Joan uttered.

“Are you sure?  They look like Michael’s—all cat’s eyes,” Mom stated.

“Well, they’re not.  They’re mine,” Joan remarked.

 

In examples g and h, each bit of dialog is attached to the name of the speaker.  In example f, on the other hand, only the first two bits are attached to a name.  Yet, example f is just as clear as the other two examples.  If there are only two speakers, and from the dialog it’s clear who is speaking, it is not necessary to identify the speaker each time something is said.  So example f is the best of the three.

Example g is the second best because the speakers’ names are followed by “said,” a word which is almost invisible.  Rarely is there a reason to highlight how words are spoken.  “Said” is usually the best word to use.

Example h uses a different word to describe how each statement in the dialog is said:  asked, mumbled, demanded, uttered, stated, remarked.  By doing this, the writer is calling attention away from what is said—which is most important—to how it is said or more likely to how it isn’t said.  Asked, mumbled, demanded, uttered, stated and remarked seem to be used more for the sake of vocabulary variety than for the sake of informing the reader about the way the dialog is spoken.

Pick up a classic book and find a section of dialog.  Read it less for what the information is and more for the way the author puts it together—what bits of dialog are identified with a speaker’s name and what ones are not, and what vocabulary is used to identify how the words are spoken.  I think you’ll find that most dialog is not attributed when it is within a several-sentence section of dialog, and when it is attributed, the verb “said” is most often used.

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Posted in dialog in writing, English Writing Instruction

Quiz yourself on how to write dialog

Posted on November 2, 2024 | Leave a comment

Is there a right way and a wrong way to write dialog?  Turns out, there is.  Take this quiz and see if you know which sentence is best.

1.  “My book contains an error,” said Scarlett O’Hara.

2. “My book contains an error,” Scarlett O’Hara  said.

3. Said Scarlett O’Hara, “My book contains an error.”

4. Scarlett O’Hara said, “My book contains an error.”

5. “My book,” said Scarlett O’Hara, “contains an error.”

Sentence 5 is the worst of the five.  In it, the spoken thought is interrupted with the name of the speaker.  A sentence should not be stopped to tell who is saying it and then resumed to finish it.  A sentence of dialog should be kept together.

Sentences 3 and 4 are next worst.  Almost always, spoken words are more important than the name of the person who speaks them.  Spoken words—the dialog—should go first.  “Said” is an almost invisible word in written dialog.  It should not be highlighted.  Rather, it should be tucked after the name of the person speaking.  So 4 is a better sentence than 3.

That leaves 1 and 2.  Which is more important—the name of the speaker or the word “said”?  The name of the speaker, of course.  So 2 is the better sentence in that pair, and is the best sentence of all the options.

You might say, but I’ve read great writers who interrupt quotations by identifying who is speaking or who put the name of the speaker after the word “said” or its equivalent.  I have too.  For example,

From The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald:  “And Daisy ought to have something in her life,” murmured Jordan to me.

From The Sun also Rises by Ernest Hemingway:  “One more,” Brett said, “and I must run.”

From To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee:  “Well I don’t,” said Uncle Jack, “not unless there’s extreme provocation connected with ‘em.”

I could say that if you become as famous as Fitzgerald, Hemingway and Lee, you can write any way you want.  But if you check carefully through their novels, you’ll find the authors follow the practice explained above far more often than not.

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Posted in dialog in writing, said

How to start a narrative

Posted on May 14, 2024 | Leave a comment

How to start a good story today is much like how to start a good essay, though it’s different too.  Many good stories today begin without any background information.  They begin in the middle of the action and weave in whatever background information is necessary later.  For example,

“Duck, you fool.  They’ll see us.”  This beginning starts in the middle of action.  Better yet, it starts with dialog.  Do you want to know who the speaker and his companion are?  Do you want to know why they are hiding?  Do you want to know who is hunting them?  Will you continue reading?

The three-year-old waited under the dirty laundry in the closet just as Mom and he had practiced.  The noise had stopped, but he didn’t trust the silence either.  “Wait for me,” Mom had said.  So he waited.  Is this a game of hide and seek?  Or has something sinister happened to Mom?  Why did Mom have the child practice hiding?  Why did she tell him to wait for her?  Will you keep reading?

Compare those beginnings with this kind.

It was early morning when she boarded the school bus.  She took her assigned seat and looked around.  Yes, it was Monday, all right.  Everyone was sleeping or trying to.  This beginning lacks the energy of the previous two beginnings.  Do you want to know why she boarded the school bus?  Probably not because you already know.  She’s going to school.   Do you want to know why everyone is sleeping?  Probably not because it’s Monday and that’s the way it is on Mondays.  Will you keep reading?

Mrs. Miller put on her hat and spring coat and waited for the taxi.  It came on time.  She nodded to the driver.  “Twelve Maiden Lane.” She sat back, alone in the passenger section, and thought what she always thought, that this is the way Queen Elizabeth was pampered wherever she went.  Do we know why Mrs. Miller is taking a taxi?  Do we care?  How about her thought, comparing herself to Queen Elizabeth?  That’s a little more interesting.  Why does she think that?  Will you keep reading?

Should you start a narrative with a question?  Lots of students do, but such a beginning rarely draws in readers, especially if the reader knows the answer.  But sometimes it can work.

Oh, please, doctor, please tell me what it is?  Is it pneumonia?  Meningitis?  Is my baby going to be okay?  Why are you just standing there, doctor?  Please tell me.  This opening has several questions, each one more emotionally charged than the previous one.  It works because the thoughts are a form of action.  Why is the child sick?  Why is the parent so frantic?  Why is the doctor mute?  We don’t know what happened before.  We arrive in the crisis moment.  Will you keep reading?

In the past, writers began stories with exposition, that is, with background information.  Today that approach is out of style.  We want to jump right into the action.

If you tend to start narratives by giving background information, try this to start with action.  Move along until you find the inciting moment—the moment when the action begins.  Delete everything that comes before the inciting moment.  If it is necessary information, weave it in through dialog or thoughts—but not flashbacks.  Flashbacks interrupt the forward flow of your story.  Your narratives will be more dramatic and better read.

 

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Posted in backstory, dialog in writing, flow, Introductions, narrative writing

Eight simple ideas to improve your writing

Posted on April 2, 2024 | Leave a comment

Don’t start a sentence with there is, there was, there are, there were.  When you start this way, you start with a filler word (“there”), not with the subject. You also use a form of the linking verb “to be” which is the weakest verb you can use.  Eliminating “there is” forces you to put your subject before your predicate and to use a stronger verb.

Write short sentences.  Usually, the longer a sentence is, the more clauses it contains.  The more clauses in a sentence, the harder it is for the reader to keep the ideas straight.  Limit the number of clauses in a sentence by limiting the number of words.

Use “said,” not “spoke,” “told,” “asserted,” “claimed,” and other words which mean “said.”  “Said” is an inconspicuous word which does not draw attention to itself.  As a writer, you should be highlighting what was said, not how it was said.

Use everyday but specific vocabulary.  Highfalutin words distance writers from many would-be readers.  If you are quoting a person who uses SAT words generously, repeat his language.  But keep your own words inconspicuous, so the focus is on your message, not on your  vocabulary.

Use short transition words.  “And,” “also,” “but,” “later,” and “then” are better choices than “additionally,” “furthermore,” “however,” and “subsequently.”  Longer transition words draw attention to themselves as words, so they take the reader’s attention away from the thoughts of the text.  They interrupt the flow.  Use modest one- and two-syllable transitions.

Keep paragraphs short.  Books written 100 or 200 years ago contain long, deadly paragraphs.  More recently written books contain shorter paragraphs with more white space on the page.  That white space makes the writing look friendly and nonthreatening.  To increase the white space, use smaller paragraphs.

Use dialog—direct quotes, not indirect quotes.  With indirect quotes, the author is distilling the original quotes.  Readers want to hear the original quotes so they can make up their minds as to what is important. Readers want to hear the tone of voice, the interruptions, the pauses, the inferences, and the vocabulary of the speakers.  Readers want to be there.

Keep yourself invisible unless you are writing a first-person account, or you are a character in your narrative.  Readers should not be aware someone wrote the words they are reading.  They should be aware of the information.  But if you do need to insert yourself into the writing, say “I,” not “this reporter” or “this listener.”

You might say, “But I know writers who ignore these ideas all the time.”  I do too.  Once you reach the stature of a Tracy Kidder or Ian McEwan, you can do what you want.  But until you do, you’re more likely to be read and understood if you follow these suggestions.

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Need a writing tutor?  Contact me through this website.  I tutor writers from second grade through high school, in the US and overseas.

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Posted in "to be", dialog in writing, said, Transitions, verb choice, white space, word choice, writing tips

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Write first, revise second, third, fourth, and edit last

Posted on March 27, 2023 | Leave a comment

Revising and editing are distinct actions.

Revising means changing text in significant ways, such as adding or deleting words, sentences, paragraphs or even whole scenes.  Revising means changing weak verbs to stronger, specific verbs.  Revising means changing sentence order or sentence beginnings or combining sentences or separating too many ideas in one sentence.  Revising means making big changes and should be done before editing.

Editing means polishing text in subtle ways, such as changing punctuation, spelling, and choice of synonyms and antonyms.  Editing means deleting most -ly adverbs, many adjectives, and obvious information.  Editing means making small changes, sometimes stylistic changes, and should be done after revising.

Which are revising and which are editing?

revising editing
Deleting backstory from the beginning of text ✔
Using simple Anglo-Saxon vocabulary instead of longer, more complicated words ✔
Replacing abstract nouns with concrete verbs ✔
Deleting vague, qualifying words (e.g. some, never) ✔
Deleting “that” except when needed for clarity ✔
Combining sentences to delete unnecessary words ✔
Adding information for clarity ✔
Using “said” instead of “told,” “related,” “cried,” and other words saying how a person spoke ✔
Replacing forms of the verb “to be” with specific verbs, action verbs if possible ✔ ✔
Rewriting sentence beginnings for variety ✔
Replacing most compound sentences or compound predicates with complicated simple sentences ✔
Deleting overused words like “so,” “then,” “just” and “like” ✔
Rewriting conclusions to add meatier ideas ✔
In dialog between two people, not identifying who is speaking for each line of dialog ✔
Writing direct dialog rather than indirect dialog. ✔
Calculating words per sentence to keep within 15 to 20 words on average. ✔
Looking for the kind of grammar mistakes you often make, such as run-ons, and fixing them. ✔
Showing, not telling. ✔

A mistake student writers make is to edit as they write, losing the flow of their thoughts.  It’s better to keep going, even though you know you spelled a word wrong and are tempted to look it up.  Writing is harder than editing which is why writers are tempted to edit as they go.  This is particularly true of perfectionists.

Editing before revising is a waste of time.  Good revising will delete many early edits.  Write first, revise second and third and forth, and edit last.

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Posted in "to be", action verbs, adverbs, backstory, citing evidence, conclusions, dialog in writing, editing, English Writing Instruction, flow, naming characters, needless words, number of words per sentence, omitting unnecessary information, perfectionism, revising first drafts, show don't tell, spelling, word choice, writing tips