Category Archives: Transitions

Revisiting eight ideas to improve your writing

Posted on April 9, 2024 | Leave a comment

In my past blog, I suggested eight ideas to improve your writing.  In my next paragraph, I will ignore those suggestions and write poorly.  See if you can find eight examples of poor writing in this next paragraph.

A reader contacted this blogger a few days ago.  She informed me that there were good ideas in my most recent blog, and moreover, she suspected this blogger could utilize that blog to compose another blog that contradicts the advice of the first blog, and thereby set up a challenge to locate the poor writing and to attract a multitude of readers like her who are puzzle aficionados.  I listened to my reader’s admonition, and this paragraph is my response.

Spoiler alert:  The following paragraphs expose the poor writing.  Are you ready?

  • “This blogger” draws attention to the writer of the blog in a way that the word “I” does not. As the writer of the blog, I need to refer to myself in the paragraph.  But I should choose an inconspicuous way to do that.

 

  • “She informed me” draws attention to the way she spoke which is unimportant. “She informed” is better written as “she said.”  “Said” is an inconspicuous word.

 

  • “There were” puts the subject later in the sentence. “There were good ideas” could be better written as “my blog contained good ideas.”

 

  • “Moreover” and “thereby” are transition words that interrupt the flow of the sentence. “Moreover” is better said as “and.” “Thereby” is better said not at all in this paragraph. It is not needed.

 

  • “Admonition” is a four-syllable word and “aficionados” is a six-syllable word. Both draw attention to themselves because many readers might not know what the words mean.  It’s better to stick to simpler vocabulary (“advice” and “fans”) in a blog meant for children as well as ESL students and adults.

 

  • The second sentence in the three-sentence paragraph is 59 words long—far too many words for readers trying to understand the writer’s message. The sentence should be broken down into three or four simpler sentences.

 

  • “She informed me that” introduces and indirect quote. Use direct quotes whenever possible so readers can hear for themselves the vocabulary, the tone, the grammar and the inferences of the speaker.

 

  • And lastly, the paragraph is five lines long.  Is that too long?  Maybe, maybe not.  It is the longest paragraph of this blog, so it might look long–and intimidating–to some readers.  This is especially true because it extends the width of the blog.  Yet because the second sentence is so long, the paragraph is hard to subdivide.

 

All these ideas about good writing are based on the fundamental rule of good writing:  Clarity is the most important characteristic of good writing.  If a word or sentence or paragraph is not clear to readers, they will not keep reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted in "to be", blog writing, clarity, direct quotes, English Writing Instruction, how to write better, indirect quotes, rules for writing, said, Transitions, word choice

Eight simple ideas to improve your writing

Posted on April 2, 2024 | Leave a comment

Don’t start a sentence with there is, there was, there are, there were.  When you start this way, you start with a filler word (“there”), not with the subject. You also use a form of the linking verb “to be” which is the weakest verb you can use.  Eliminating “there is” forces you to put your subject before your predicate and to use a stronger verb.

Write short sentences.  Usually, the longer a sentence is, the more clauses it contains.  The more clauses in a sentence, the harder it is for the reader to keep the ideas straight.  Limit the number of clauses in a sentence by limiting the number of words.

Use “said,” not “spoke,” “told,” “asserted,” “claimed,” and other words which mean “said.”  “Said” is an inconspicuous word which does not draw attention to itself.  As a writer, you should be highlighting what was said, not how it was said.

Use everyday but specific vocabulary.  Highfalutin words distance writers from many would-be readers.  If you are quoting a person who uses SAT words generously, repeat his language.  But keep your own words inconspicuous, so the focus is on your message, not on your  vocabulary.

Use short transition words.  “And,” “also,” “but,” “later,” and “then” are better choices than “additionally,” “furthermore,” “however,” and “subsequently.”  Longer transition words draw attention to themselves as words, so they take the reader’s attention away from the thoughts of the text.  They interrupt the flow.  Use modest one- and two-syllable transitions.

Keep paragraphs short.  Books written 100 or 200 years ago contain long, deadly paragraphs.  More recently written books contain shorter paragraphs with more white space on the page.  That white space makes the writing look friendly and nonthreatening.  To increase the white space, use smaller paragraphs.

Use dialog—direct quotes, not indirect quotes.  With indirect quotes, the author is distilling the original quotes.  Readers want to hear the original quotes so they can make up their minds as to what is important. Readers want to hear the tone of voice, the interruptions, the pauses, the inferences, and the vocabulary of the speakers.  Readers want to be there.

Keep yourself invisible unless you are writing a first-person account, or you are a character in your narrative.  Readers should not be aware someone wrote the words they are reading.  They should be aware of the information.  But if you do need to insert yourself into the writing, say “I,” not “this reporter” or “this listener.”

You might say, “But I know writers who ignore these ideas all the time.”  I do too.  Once you reach the stature of a Tracy Kidder or Ian McEwan, you can do what you want.  But until you do, you’re more likely to be read and understood if you follow these suggestions.

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Need a writing tutor?  Contact me through this website.  I tutor writers from second grade through high school, in the US and overseas.

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Posted in "to be", dialog in writing, said, Transitions, verb choice, white space, word choice, writing tips

Tagged

Use a template to write a persuasive essay introduction

Posted on July 28, 2023 | Leave a comment

Suppose a student wants to write a persuasive essay.  A million and one ways to begin such an essay exist, small comfort to a student looking for just one reliable way to write an introduction.  Does such a template exist?

Yes.  And using it, a student can write the introduction in five sentences, too, which many teachers require.

  • First, think about the topic and write a general sentence relating to that topic.
  • Second, write more specifically about the topic in two sentences, heading in the direction of your main idea (thesis) which you should already know from organizing your ideas.
  • Third, transition to your main idea (thesis) by connecting what you have just written to what you will write next.
  • Fourth, write your main idea.

Let’s try a few examples.

Suppose a fifth grader wants to persuade that soccer is a good sport for kids.  Here is one opening:

  • When my grandmother was a kid, none of her friends played soccer.
  • Why? Hardly any soccer leagues for kids existed then.  There were baseball leagues and basketball leagues and football leagues, but there were hardly any youth soccer leagues.
  • Nowadays, almost every city or town in the US has soccer teams for kids.
  • Soccer is a great sport for kids to play because it strengthens muscles, teaches teamwork, and teaches how to accept defeat.

For that same fifth grader, here is another essay introduction:

  • My friend, Mario, says baseball is a better sport than soccer for kids.
  • My other friend, Julio, says football is better than soccer for kids.
  • My sister, Emma, who is tall, says basketball is better than soccer for kids.
  • I think they are all wrong.
  • Soccer is a great sport for kids to play because it strengthens muscles, teaches teamwork, and teaches how to accept defeat.

Here is a third possible introduction written at a high school level:

  • Furia by Y.S. Mendez is a novel about a teenage girl from Argentina who wants to play professional soccer.
  • But Camilla is growing too old to be thinking of soccer, according to her father who thinks adult soccer is for men only.
  • She should be thinking about boyfriends, he thinks, especially a rich local boy who has made it to a professinal soccer team.
  • But Camilla cannot give up her dream to play soccer as an adult, and why should she?
  • Soccer is a great sport for young adults to play because it strengthens muscles, teaches teamwork, and teaches how to accept defeat.

Notice that each of these three introductions uses the word “soccer” in the first sentence, alerting the reader that the essay will be about soccer.  Neither first sentence hints that the essay will be about why soccer is good for a kid or young adult.  That doesn’t come until the last sentence of the paragraph, the topic sentence.

All three introductions start out with general ideas:  the first one, that no one in the US played soccer years ago; the second one, that various people think a particular sport is better than soccer; and the third one, that a novel focuses on a girl who wants to play soccer.  Each first sentence idea is developed in the next two sentences.  In the fourth sentence, the focus shifts to an idea connecting the first three sentences to the main idea (thesis) sentence.

What I am suggesting is a pattern you can use to write introductions to persuasive essays.  You don’t need to start from scratch each time you write.  You can use the steps I describe above, fill in the blanks, and write an okay—maybe even great—essay introduction.

For more ideas on how to write, read my book How to Write a 5th Grade (or any other grade) Essay.  Or contact me for tutoring lessons.  I am now scheduling fall online classes.

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Posted in English Writing Instruction, essay introduction, persuasive essay, teaching writing, Transitions, writing template

Three wrong ways to introduce a citation

Posted on April 25, 2022 | Leave a comment

Suppose you are researching how the novel To Kill a Mockingbird was reviewed when it first was published.  You find the July 13, 1960, review by Herbert Mitgang in The New York Times. In the review you find words worth citing.  How do you introduce the citation?  Let’s look at some examples, returning to the image of the hamburger and bun.

[First, you introduce your source, the top bun of the hamburger:]  The New York Times reviewed To Kill a Mockingbird when the book came out.  [Second, you introduce the citation, the hamburger:]  It says Mockingbird is “a winning first novel by a fresh writer with something significant to say.”  [Third, you give your opinion why this citation is significant, the bottom bun of the hamburger:]  The Times writer singles out both the novel’s writer and its message.

Now, let’s leave out the bracketed information:  The New York Times reviewed To Kill a Mockingbird when the book came out.  It says Mockingbird is “a winning first novel by a fresh writer with something significant to say.”  The Times writer singles out both the novel’s writer and its message.

What’s wrong?  Several things.  First, did The New York Times review Mockingbird or did a person?  If it was a person, the name of that person should be identified.  Second, can you, the research paper writer, identify the date when the review was published?  If so, including that specific information increases the credibility of your source.  And third, since a pronoun needs to have an antecedent, what is the antecedent to “It,” the first word of the second sentence?  There is none.

Better:  The New York Times published a book review by Herbert Mitgang of To Kill a Mockingbird on July 13, 1960, when the novel was published.  Mitgang says Mockingbird is “a winning first novel by a fresh writer with something significant to say.”  Mitgang singles out both the novel’s writer and its message for praise.

Suppose we keep the “better” citation with one change:  The New York Times published a book review by Herbert Mitgang of To Kill a Mockingbird on July 13, 1960, when the novel was published.  Here it is.  Mockingbird is “a winning first novel by a fresh writer with something significant to say.”  Mitgang singles out both the novel’s writer and its message for praise.

Here what is?  The last noun in the previous sentence is “novel.”  Yet “Here it is” does not refer to the novel.  “Here it is” refers to the review.  “Here it is” is a poor transition from the upper bun of the hamburger to the hamburger itself.

Let’s try again with another change.  The New York Times published a book review by Herbert Mitgang of To Kill a Mockingbird on July 13, 1960, when the novel was published.  The quote is “a winning first novel by a fresh writer with something significant to say.”  Mitgang singles out both the novel’s writer and its message for praise.

The word “The” before the word “quote” indicates a particular quotation.  Yet no particular quotation is mentioned in the previous sentence.  “The quote” refers back to nothing.  An improvement would be, “A quote from that review” but even that improvement is not as good as naming the person doing the quoting.

When you are introducing a direct quote,

  • Introduce the quotation with the name of the person or organization responsible for the quote. For example, The US Congress passed an act which says, “. . .”
  • Identify additional details to put the quote in context. Such details could be a date, a place, or the context (a war, an election, a first novel, after the passage of 30 years).
  • Don’t use “It says” unless “it” has been identified and “it” identifies who is responsible for the quote. Even then, your writing is better if you remove the pronoun “it” and use the noun.
  • Don’t use “The quote is” unless you have already identified the quote in some way. Even then, use more specific language, usually naming the source of the quote, for a better transition.

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Posted in citing evidence, English Writing Instruction, Transitions, word choice, writing problems, writing tips

How to incorporate direct quotations into text

Posted on August 27, 2021 | Leave a comment

Incorporating direct quotes into their own writing can be difficult for students.  They may not have read the kind of writing—academic, scientific—which routinely uses direct quotes, so they are unfamiliar with this type writing.  And they may not have been taught it explicitly—with lessons, examples, and practice.

If so, where should a teacher begin to teach how to incorporate quotations?

One way is with the image of a hamburger in a bun.  The hamburger stands for the direct quote, and the top and bottom buns stand for the “before” and “after” information that is also needed.

The top part of the bun is where you introduce the direct quote by explaining who the quote comes from and why the quote is worth quoting.  

For example, suppose you write about democracy, and you want to quote Abraham Lincoln’s definition.  You could introduce your quote by writing, “Abraham Lincoln defined democracy in his Gettysburg Address as. . .”

The hamburger part of the image is the direct quote itself: “government of the people, by the people and for the people.”  You don’t need to quote a whole sentence—just the part which meets your needs.  You might need to rewrite your introductory information to make it work grammatically with your quote.  You don’t introduce the quotation by saying, “It says,” or “Here it is,” or “The quote is.”

For example, you don’t say, “Abraham Lincoln defined democracy.  He said, ‘government of the people, by the people and for the people.’”  This example is not good because the writer does not transition into Lincoln’s quote.  A better way is, “Abraham Lincoln defined democracy.  He said democracy is ‘government of the people, by the people and for the people.’”  Even better is using the word “as” to replace “He said democracy is.”  One word instead of four.

The bottom part of the bun is your understanding of the quote and why you consider it relevant.  A good example is “This definition is deceptively simple yet eloquent.”

The finished quotation is “Abraham Lincoln defined democracy in his Gettysburg Address as ‘government of the people, by the people and for the people.’  This definition is deceptively simple yet eloquent.”

To recap:

  • To use a direct quotation, you must put it in context by identifying who made the direct quote and why it is relevant in the context you are using it.
  • The transition from your introductory information to the quotation must use correct grammar.
  • Sometimes words of the direct quote must be left out or changed slightly (for example, from singular to plural, from one verb tense to another, from one pronoun to another).
  • Any change in the direct quote must be shown either with ellipses or with brackets.
  • If several changes must be made, paraphrasing might be a better alternative.

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Posted in direct quotes, English Writing Instruction, teaching writing, Transitions, writing tips