Good writers try to make their sentence structure invisible so that we readers are 100% engrossed in the meaning of the writing without being distracted by the grammar. But when I read really good writing, I go back to analyze why it seems so effortless, so perfect.
Sometimes I find incredible sentences. Here is one of my favorite cumulative sentences, jotted down many years ago, its source now unknown to me.
“He stood at the top of the stairs and watched me, I waiting for him to call me up, he hesitating to come down, his lips nervous with the suggestion of a smile, mine asking whether the smile meant come, or go away.”
Isn’t that a great sentence? It contains 43 words. Usually 43-word sentences are hard to follow unless they are a list. But this simple sentence is easy to follow. Why?
It starts with an independent clause using all single-syllable words: a subject (he) and two verbs (stood and watched). Next are two phrases with parallel ideas about the two people (I and he) expressed in parallel grammar (I waiting, he hesitating). The last two lines are also parallel ideas expressed in similar ways. The first starts with “his lips,” and the second starts with the pronoun, “mine,” referring to her lips.
Adding to the clarity of this long sentence are the organic transitions. The first line introduces the two people, “he” and “me”; the second line uses “I,” “him” and “me”; the third uses “he”; the fourth uses “his”; and the fifth uses “mine.”
Also adding to the sentence’s goodness is the use of “up” and “down” to create a visual image of the situation. In the independent clause we learn a male is at the top of the stairs; in the next phrase we learn that another person is waiting to be called up by him; in the next line the word “down” is used.
Another organic transition is his “lips” and his “smile”; in the last line the word “smile” is repeated.
And finally, there are the last three words. “Or go away” comes as a surprise. Wait! Did I understand this right? the reader asks, going back and re-evaluating what the sentence might really mean. You have been bewitched by a master writer.
Are you a sentence saver? If so, you must be a writer.
English Writing Teacher 